Everything seems to be flowing just the same, except this time I don't know where I am in the water. I feel as though a current is constantly pulling me under. I can't breathe, I can't reach the surface, and I'm almost completely out of breath. I just want someone to save me. I want something to hold on to. I want someone to pull me out, make me feel alive again.

i dont know.

4th of July is my favorite holiday, and we broke up that day. at least i'm handling this well. I never though i would be able to. but right now. sitting on my bed, i'm scared to death. i feel like he lied about wanting to be friends and he really just wants to ignore me and never talk to me again. i have so many questions but i don't want answers. i hate what he did and i wish he could have done it a different way. i wish he told me in the beginning instead of ignoring me for a week straight and making that hole week a complete hell hole for me. put yourself in my position and see what it feels like. i havent felt like crying for a while but right now, it's going to come out, and i wont be able to stop it. 

as far as everything else, i dont know who to trust anymore. i thought i could trust him, but yet again shit hit the fan. who knows if people are just lying to me to make me feel better. who knows if people are just going to fuck me over in the end. i don't want to be close to anyone anymore, because nothing lasts forever. no matter how much you want it to, it won't last. things will always get fucked up, people will always lie, no one will ever keep their promises. yadda yadda yadda. 

time to go out for a cigarette and listen to my stomach growl.

Painful.

Everything is hurting right now. My head hurts. My body hurts. My stomach hurts. Yadda Yadda Yadda. I don't have work for the next two days. I'm going to be working for my dad instead, so that means getting up at 7 instead of 8. It will keep my mind off everything so hopefully it won't be that terrible. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to hang out with anyone. I don't want to be in my room. I don't want to be anywhere. Not a second goes by where I don't think about it. I just want things to be right. I am just going to be patient and hope for the best because that's all I can do. I don't want to think. I need a huge distraction.


Oh yeah, I'm working on the 4th.

it's been a while.

I used to be on here all the damn time, writing things down and getting shit done. Now I'm on tumblr all the fucking time. I should probably write in here more. I guess. I'm trying to get out of the house. I'm so stressed out..I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm losing a lot of hope for things to get better. I don't even like to talk about it with anyone anymore. I don't even want to go through the motions of trying to explain it to people. I hate having to answer them when they ask, "why?" It's just annoying now. I want to know why you ignore me. What is the reasoning as to why you don't talk to me as much. Why are there problems. Why are you so fucked up? Why don't you move out and get a fucking life. Why do I live here? I don't want to live here anymore. I don't want to work at a motel for the rest of my fucking life. I don't want to go through the motions anymore. I don't want to pretend that I'm okay when I'm not. I don't want to go through this at all. I just want it to be okay. Enough of me blabbing.


Today. What have I done? I went to work. I went to the library, got three more books. I picked up my mom from school. I went to Dunkin Donuts with my brother. Other than that..It looks like I'm doing a whole lot of nothing tonight. Fan-fucking-tastic.

oh haiiii

A. First of all, even if i was high, i probably wouldn't put french fries on a pizza. Secondly, I wouldn't buy pizza because im poor. Thirdly, that's a gross combination. I don't like cold french fries so there would be no leftovers of those. I like cold pizza though. This picture is not important. 

B. Those cool leggings are what my friends bought me when they went home for the weekend. it was a surprise. They look like horseback riding pants and I'm completely okay with that. I've gotten many compliments on them, and even if people are lying to make me feel better, I'm okay with that too. 

C. I take stupid pictures in my free time. 

D. I like that picture a lot. 

E. How could you not like the last picture. Come on, it's adorable. So are sugar gliders. Or whatever the fuck they are called.

------

On a completely different note. Here is what i've been doing, as if you care. (I don't like that this font is black, i need to change it). Ooh, that's a nice color. 

-- I took my plugs out just now cause my ears are all scabby and Blake says not to pick at my scabs. 

-- Vivid Rhythms Festival is this weekend (Sunday May 1st). Badfish is playing, that's pretty cool. I'm going to be working from 6am to 12am, and that will be fun. Except not because I don't actually get to hang out, I have to be doing shit. 

-- I have a photoshoot in May.

-- I didn't get to go see Coheed last night, but they are doing a free show in Brooklyn and I'm pretty pumped about that. 

-- Blake is staying this weekend. 

-- I ate too many strawberry mentos.

The end. 

xx

what is it to you?

So my hair is black again 

with some red up in the front.

the red just wasn't doing it for me anymore i guess. 

other than that, gallery 51 opening on thursday

i'm far from excited on that one even though i should be.

shouldn't i? 

i'm going to bed soon just so that i don't have to think about anything

even though i'll wake up every other hour just because

and i'll check my phone to see if anyone texted me

there won't be any texts

i'll probably look out the window to see if it's light out

it will be

i'll change positions a thousand times

and never get comfortable.

yadda yadda yadda.

oh. i don't like tumblr. 

i can't use it.

it bores me to death.

Here are some things I like

(this list might be short compared to the things i DONT like)

The color green (but not this one)

Stepping on crunchy leaves, and the smell of fall

Buying a pumpkin and being pumped about carving it (i never will)

Warm, sunny weather. 

Being all around happy and not caring about anything

Writing

Hanging out with Rosie / my other animals

Sleeping but not dreaming

Tattoos (that's a given)

I don't want to write anymore.

xx

the world at large

I'm home at the moment, hanging out with Rosie. She's actually staring at me right now while I'm writing this. My space heater is on and I'm sitting with my legs extended towards it. I'm listening to Modest Mouse and enjoying it even though my computer is infected with a virus and my Norton is expired. Figures. Other than that, I'm home until the 20th. I didn't figure anyone would ask me to hang out, and it's exactly as I expected. No one has asked me to hang out, no one has even talked to me. I'm perfectly fine with that. I'm completely over it. I have no reason to look back now. I have no reason to go back to that. I understand that people are busy, but there's always time for other people. Especially people you care about. I have people I care about, and I will continue to make time for them always. As for everyone here, It doesn't really matter to me anymore. 


Don't get me wrong, it kinda makes me sad, it kinda pisses me off, it kinda makes me want to punch peoples faces. At the same time there is really no reason why I should have expected anything more. This week I've hung out with my nana, my aunt elaine, justin, my parents. I'm fine with that. The week is going by pretty fast, but that's okay. When I get back I get to see good people.  

I don't really have anything more to say. I have homework to do. I have more to read. I need to have a cigarette, and I need to stop rosie from eating that bug.