Painful.

Everything is hurting right now. My head hurts. My body hurts. My stomach hurts. Yadda Yadda Yadda. I don't have work for the next two days. I'm going to be working for my dad instead, so that means getting up at 7 instead of 8. It will keep my mind off everything so hopefully it won't be that terrible. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to hang out with anyone. I don't want to be in my room. I don't want to be anywhere. Not a second goes by where I don't think about it. I just want things to be right. I am just going to be patient and hope for the best because that's all I can do. I don't want to think. I need a huge distraction.


Oh yeah, I'm working on the 4th.

it's been a while.

I used to be on here all the damn time, writing things down and getting shit done. Now I'm on tumblr all the fucking time. I should probably write in here more. I guess. I'm trying to get out of the house. I'm so stressed out..I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm losing a lot of hope for things to get better. I don't even like to talk about it with anyone anymore. I don't even want to go through the motions of trying to explain it to people. I hate having to answer them when they ask, "why?" It's just annoying now. I want to know why you ignore me. What is the reasoning as to why you don't talk to me as much. Why are there problems. Why are you so fucked up? Why don't you move out and get a fucking life. Why do I live here? I don't want to live here anymore. I don't want to work at a motel for the rest of my fucking life. I don't want to go through the motions anymore. I don't want to pretend that I'm okay when I'm not. I don't want to go through this at all. I just want it to be okay. Enough of me blabbing.


Today. What have I done? I went to work. I went to the library, got three more books. I picked up my mom from school. I went to Dunkin Donuts with my brother. Other than that..It looks like I'm doing a whole lot of nothing tonight. Fan-fucking-tastic.

oh haiiii

A. First of all, even if i was high, i probably wouldn't put french fries on a pizza. Secondly, I wouldn't buy pizza because im poor. Thirdly, that's a gross combination. I don't like cold french fries so there would be no leftovers of those. I like cold pizza though. This picture is not important. 

B. Those cool leggings are what my friends bought me when they went home for the weekend. it was a surprise. They look like horseback riding pants and I'm completely okay with that. I've gotten many compliments on them, and even if people are lying to make me feel better, I'm okay with that too. 

C. I take stupid pictures in my free time. 

D. I like that picture a lot. 

E. How could you not like the last picture. Come on, it's adorable. So are sugar gliders. Or whatever the fuck they are called.

------

On a completely different note. Here is what i've been doing, as if you care. (I don't like that this font is black, i need to change it). Ooh, that's a nice color. 

-- I took my plugs out just now cause my ears are all scabby and Blake says not to pick at my scabs. 

-- Vivid Rhythms Festival is this weekend (Sunday May 1st). Badfish is playing, that's pretty cool. I'm going to be working from 6am to 12am, and that will be fun. Except not because I don't actually get to hang out, I have to be doing shit. 

-- I have a photoshoot in May.

-- I didn't get to go see Coheed last night, but they are doing a free show in Brooklyn and I'm pretty pumped about that. 

-- Blake is staying this weekend. 

-- I ate too many strawberry mentos.

The end. 

xx

what is it to you?

So my hair is black again 

with some red up in the front.

the red just wasn't doing it for me anymore i guess. 

other than that, gallery 51 opening on thursday

i'm far from excited on that one even though i should be.

shouldn't i? 

i'm going to bed soon just so that i don't have to think about anything

even though i'll wake up every other hour just because

and i'll check my phone to see if anyone texted me

there won't be any texts

i'll probably look out the window to see if it's light out

it will be

i'll change positions a thousand times

and never get comfortable.

yadda yadda yadda.

oh. i don't like tumblr. 

i can't use it.

it bores me to death.

Here are some things I like

(this list might be short compared to the things i DONT like)

The color green (but not this one)

Stepping on crunchy leaves, and the smell of fall

Buying a pumpkin and being pumped about carving it (i never will)

Warm, sunny weather. 

Being all around happy and not caring about anything

Writing

Hanging out with Rosie / my other animals

Sleeping but not dreaming

Tattoos (that's a given)

I don't want to write anymore.

xx

the world at large

I'm home at the moment, hanging out with Rosie. She's actually staring at me right now while I'm writing this. My space heater is on and I'm sitting with my legs extended towards it. I'm listening to Modest Mouse and enjoying it even though my computer is infected with a virus and my Norton is expired. Figures. Other than that, I'm home until the 20th. I didn't figure anyone would ask me to hang out, and it's exactly as I expected. No one has asked me to hang out, no one has even talked to me. I'm perfectly fine with that. I'm completely over it. I have no reason to look back now. I have no reason to go back to that. I understand that people are busy, but there's always time for other people. Especially people you care about. I have people I care about, and I will continue to make time for them always. As for everyone here, It doesn't really matter to me anymore. 


Don't get me wrong, it kinda makes me sad, it kinda pisses me off, it kinda makes me want to punch peoples faces. At the same time there is really no reason why I should have expected anything more. This week I've hung out with my nana, my aunt elaine, justin, my parents. I'm fine with that. The week is going by pretty fast, but that's okay. When I get back I get to see good people.  

I don't really have anything more to say. I have homework to do. I have more to read. I need to have a cigarette, and I need to stop rosie from eating that bug. 

poo.

In the process of dying my hair. I spilt a HUGE amount on the floor, luckily we have inspections soon so I did it just in time. I got some comet and cleaned that shit. I think that's what its called. If it's not, its the powder stuff. Then I stepped in it, and then I tracked it into my room. If that's not enough, I have a huge amount of it on my arm, that I didn't notice until after I cleaned it all up and then smudged in on the floor some more. 

Seriously? Is that necessary? Ugh. Now I have to wait until at least midnight so that I can wash this out of my hair. Not sure why I decided to dye my hair now. I'm usually in bed by now. I'm so cool.

Besides that? Uh. Today's tuesday and i didn't go to my second class because I felt like death. That class kills me, it's so boring. I didn't have my third class. Psych! Then I hung out with Chrystina and Brenna. Noice. This post is really boring because I don't have anything to say. Wait, wait, wait...Spring Break in like 5 days. I'm pumped. I get to go home and see Rosie and my family. That's pretty awesome. That's only because I don't do anything else while I'm home. I'm perfectly okay with that because I will get to sleep and take Rosie for walks and poop in the security of my own home. 

xx

yew toob

Manchester Harbor. I spend a lot of time there during the summer.

Coolidge Reservation. Super pretty area. Cutter/Dann/Amelia

My nana totally wasn't ready for the picture. I made sure that I got one of her anyways though. She's sitting on my grandfather's bench (her husband). My nana is the person I look up to most in this world. She is wonderful.

 Kitty Mow when she was just a little baby. Aw look at that adorable face.

I like to take pictures of people and things. My favorite THING being clouds. So if you have pictures of clouds you want to share with me, I would be more than happy to accept them. The last picture was at ...err... Wahconah Falls? I don't know how it's spelled and I don't even know if that was the name of it. It doesn't matter though. I don't really have anything to say in this post either. 


I've been spending a lot of time with some awesome people at MCLA which makes me happy. Granted I'll be graduating this summer, at least I still have plenty of time to hang out with them. Spending less time in my room is always a good thing. 


Tomorrow I get to sleep in! I'm pumped but not really. I don't usually stay here on friday's. Maybe Blake will pick me up when he gets out of work. It all depends on how tired he is though. 


Ok gahhbye. 


xx