Everything seems to be flowing just the same, except this time I don't know where I am in the water. I feel as though a current is constantly pulling me under. I can't breathe, I can't reach the surface, and I'm almost completely out of breath. I just want someone to save me. I want something to hold on to. I want someone to pull me out, make me feel alive again.

i dont know.

4th of July is my favorite holiday, and we broke up that day. at least i'm handling this well. I never though i would be able to. but right now. sitting on my bed, i'm scared to death. i feel like he lied about wanting to be friends and he really just wants to ignore me and never talk to me again. i have so many questions but i don't want answers. i hate what he did and i wish he could have done it a different way. i wish he told me in the beginning instead of ignoring me for a week straight and making that hole week a complete hell hole for me. put yourself in my position and see what it feels like. i havent felt like crying for a while but right now, it's going to come out, and i wont be able to stop it. 

as far as everything else, i dont know who to trust anymore. i thought i could trust him, but yet again shit hit the fan. who knows if people are just lying to me to make me feel better. who knows if people are just going to fuck me over in the end. i don't want to be close to anyone anymore, because nothing lasts forever. no matter how much you want it to, it won't last. things will always get fucked up, people will always lie, no one will ever keep their promises. yadda yadda yadda. 

time to go out for a cigarette and listen to my stomach growl.

Painful.

Everything is hurting right now. My head hurts. My body hurts. My stomach hurts. Yadda Yadda Yadda. I don't have work for the next two days. I'm going to be working for my dad instead, so that means getting up at 7 instead of 8. It will keep my mind off everything so hopefully it won't be that terrible. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to hang out with anyone. I don't want to be in my room. I don't want to be anywhere. Not a second goes by where I don't think about it. I just want things to be right. I am just going to be patient and hope for the best because that's all I can do. I don't want to think. I need a huge distraction.


Oh yeah, I'm working on the 4th.

it's been a while.

I used to be on here all the damn time, writing things down and getting shit done. Now I'm on tumblr all the fucking time. I should probably write in here more. I guess. I'm trying to get out of the house. I'm so stressed out..I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm losing a lot of hope for things to get better. I don't even like to talk about it with anyone anymore. I don't even want to go through the motions of trying to explain it to people. I hate having to answer them when they ask, "why?" It's just annoying now. I want to know why you ignore me. What is the reasoning as to why you don't talk to me as much. Why are there problems. Why are you so fucked up? Why don't you move out and get a fucking life. Why do I live here? I don't want to live here anymore. I don't want to work at a motel for the rest of my fucking life. I don't want to go through the motions anymore. I don't want to pretend that I'm okay when I'm not. I don't want to go through this at all. I just want it to be okay. Enough of me blabbing.


Today. What have I done? I went to work. I went to the library, got three more books. I picked up my mom from school. I went to Dunkin Donuts with my brother. Other than that..It looks like I'm doing a whole lot of nothing tonight. Fan-fucking-tastic.

oh haiiii

A. First of all, even if i was high, i probably wouldn't put french fries on a pizza. Secondly, I wouldn't buy pizza because im poor. Thirdly, that's a gross combination. I don't like cold french fries so there would be no leftovers of those. I like cold pizza though. This picture is not important. 

B. Those cool leggings are what my friends bought me when they went home for the weekend. it was a surprise. They look like horseback riding pants and I'm completely okay with that. I've gotten many compliments on them, and even if people are lying to make me feel better, I'm okay with that too. 

C. I take stupid pictures in my free time. 

D. I like that picture a lot. 

E. How could you not like the last picture. Come on, it's adorable. So are sugar gliders. Or whatever the fuck they are called.

------

On a completely different note. Here is what i've been doing, as if you care. (I don't like that this font is black, i need to change it). Ooh, that's a nice color. 

-- I took my plugs out just now cause my ears are all scabby and Blake says not to pick at my scabs. 

-- Vivid Rhythms Festival is this weekend (Sunday May 1st). Badfish is playing, that's pretty cool. I'm going to be working from 6am to 12am, and that will be fun. Except not because I don't actually get to hang out, I have to be doing shit. 

-- I have a photoshoot in May.

-- I didn't get to go see Coheed last night, but they are doing a free show in Brooklyn and I'm pretty pumped about that. 

-- Blake is staying this weekend. 

-- I ate too many strawberry mentos.

The end. 

xx

what is it to you?

So my hair is black again 

with some red up in the front.

the red just wasn't doing it for me anymore i guess. 

other than that, gallery 51 opening on thursday

i'm far from excited on that one even though i should be.

shouldn't i? 

i'm going to bed soon just so that i don't have to think about anything

even though i'll wake up every other hour just because

and i'll check my phone to see if anyone texted me

there won't be any texts

i'll probably look out the window to see if it's light out

it will be

i'll change positions a thousand times

and never get comfortable.

yadda yadda yadda.

oh. i don't like tumblr. 

i can't use it.

it bores me to death.

Here are some things I like

(this list might be short compared to the things i DONT like)

The color green (but not this one)

Stepping on crunchy leaves, and the smell of fall

Buying a pumpkin and being pumped about carving it (i never will)

Warm, sunny weather. 

Being all around happy and not caring about anything

Writing

Hanging out with Rosie / my other animals

Sleeping but not dreaming

Tattoos (that's a given)

I don't want to write anymore.

xx

the world at large

I'm home at the moment, hanging out with Rosie. She's actually staring at me right now while I'm writing this. My space heater is on and I'm sitting with my legs extended towards it. I'm listening to Modest Mouse and enjoying it even though my computer is infected with a virus and my Norton is expired. Figures. Other than that, I'm home until the 20th. I didn't figure anyone would ask me to hang out, and it's exactly as I expected. No one has asked me to hang out, no one has even talked to me. I'm perfectly fine with that. I'm completely over it. I have no reason to look back now. I have no reason to go back to that. I understand that people are busy, but there's always time for other people. Especially people you care about. I have people I care about, and I will continue to make time for them always. As for everyone here, It doesn't really matter to me anymore. 


Don't get me wrong, it kinda makes me sad, it kinda pisses me off, it kinda makes me want to punch peoples faces. At the same time there is really no reason why I should have expected anything more. This week I've hung out with my nana, my aunt elaine, justin, my parents. I'm fine with that. The week is going by pretty fast, but that's okay. When I get back I get to see good people.  

I don't really have anything more to say. I have homework to do. I have more to read. I need to have a cigarette, and I need to stop rosie from eating that bug. 

poo.

In the process of dying my hair. I spilt a HUGE amount on the floor, luckily we have inspections soon so I did it just in time. I got some comet and cleaned that shit. I think that's what its called. If it's not, its the powder stuff. Then I stepped in it, and then I tracked it into my room. If that's not enough, I have a huge amount of it on my arm, that I didn't notice until after I cleaned it all up and then smudged in on the floor some more. 

Seriously? Is that necessary? Ugh. Now I have to wait until at least midnight so that I can wash this out of my hair. Not sure why I decided to dye my hair now. I'm usually in bed by now. I'm so cool.

Besides that? Uh. Today's tuesday and i didn't go to my second class because I felt like death. That class kills me, it's so boring. I didn't have my third class. Psych! Then I hung out with Chrystina and Brenna. Noice. This post is really boring because I don't have anything to say. Wait, wait, wait...Spring Break in like 5 days. I'm pumped. I get to go home and see Rosie and my family. That's pretty awesome. That's only because I don't do anything else while I'm home. I'm perfectly okay with that because I will get to sleep and take Rosie for walks and poop in the security of my own home. 

xx

yew toob

Manchester Harbor. I spend a lot of time there during the summer.

Coolidge Reservation. Super pretty area. Cutter/Dann/Amelia

My nana totally wasn't ready for the picture. I made sure that I got one of her anyways though. She's sitting on my grandfather's bench (her husband). My nana is the person I look up to most in this world. She is wonderful.

 Kitty Mow when she was just a little baby. Aw look at that adorable face.

I like to take pictures of people and things. My favorite THING being clouds. So if you have pictures of clouds you want to share with me, I would be more than happy to accept them. The last picture was at ...err... Wahconah Falls? I don't know how it's spelled and I don't even know if that was the name of it. It doesn't matter though. I don't really have anything to say in this post either. 


I've been spending a lot of time with some awesome people at MCLA which makes me happy. Granted I'll be graduating this summer, at least I still have plenty of time to hang out with them. Spending less time in my room is always a good thing. 


Tomorrow I get to sleep in! I'm pumped but not really. I don't usually stay here on friday's. Maybe Blake will pick me up when he gets out of work. It all depends on how tired he is though. 


Ok gahhbye. 


xx

priority mail.

I dyed my hair red. I figured that I could be unprofessional for now considering I don't have a job. It didn't work entirely because my hair was black before then, but hey whatever. I almost shaved all my hair off until I remembered I was trying to grow it out. We will see what happens when the summer comes and it's hot again. I really like having a bald head, it's a wonderful feeling. Everyone should shave their head at least once.

Other than that. I'm back at school until Saturday morning. Unless I could get a ride to Blake's on Friday night but I'm pretty sure that won't be happening. Unless I hot-wired someone's car but I don't know how to do that and I'm pretty lazy when it's cold out. I have a shit ton of work to do this week. 


Nine days until spring break. Well, nine days until I'm supposed to go home for spring break but I don't know how I will be getting there. I'm completely broke except for the 6 dollars I have in my wallet. Hopefully someone can come pick me up otherwise it looks like I'm stuck here. I would really love to see Rosie, Lucy, Callie, Bella, Autumn, Henry, oh and my family. Of course I listed off all the animals first. 


I guess it's time for a smoke. I'm not really fond of going outside when it's "36 degrees" outside. The weather thing on my desktop has been saying that its 36 for like the past two weeks. It's totally not. It's lying. I wish it would tell me the truth sometimes. Bastardly thing. 


xx

pfffffffffffffft

The cool thing to do, is post how terrible you look in the morning. Except for the fact that my hair is always a mess so I guess that doesn't change much. I have this huge scratch on the inside of my arm. I don't remember scratching that hard last night. I don't have bedbugs either, I checked. That doesn't change the fact that I'm itchy as fuck. Everyone says "oh its just dry skin because of the cold weather." Welllll...I wish. I have all these little bites on my skin. No matter what I do, the itchies don't go away. My head is itchy too and my hair keeps falling out in little strands. Motherfuck.

I have gym today..well strength and conditioning..and I know that motherfuck of a professor is going to be a dink again. You see, my heart is too big for my body and my body shakes as if I'm an old lady. Can't you give me a break for like ONE SECOND. I know I'm not in shape,  but jumping on those friggen boxes ain't gonna do shit for me. After that I have economics. Aka the most boring class in the whole world. I can barely stay awake during that class. But then I don't have the next class because instead I get to go to gallery 51 for the opening (which is cool). I'm not being sarcastic. I just don't want to walk down there. Hopefully I can make someone give me a ride. 

Uh what else? 

It's kinda nice out. Not really though. Still in the 30's, but the suns out. I got sidetracked from talking on the phone so I'm going to end this now.

xx

chips ahoy!

That's me. Right this minute. I just had some cashews for breakfast and I wish I had an abundance of them. They were quite delicious. I also wish I had a fountain soda. I could go to the cafeteria and get one but that involves me putting on a coat and trudging through the cold to be charged way more than 89 cents. 


I'd also like a smoke, but that also involves me sitting outside in the cold. Although I had TWO pall mall 100's last night, because myself and Chrystina decided to stand outside in the cold and smoke together. She's cool so it was cool. 


I have class today from 2-5. Totally not looking forward to sitting there for three hours in a crowded little room with people that I don't even know. Granted I've had a crap ton of classes with most of them, that doesn't mean that I know anything about them / feel comfortable talking about the fact that I FEEL CROWDED IN THAT ROOM AND DON'T ENJOY IT. excuse the caps. Actually don't, I meant for them to be there. 


I'm itchy. All over my body except in the place where you probably think I'm talking about. No, not my butt. 

Amesoeurs - Faiblesse Des Sens 

I can't really get sick of that song because A.) It's awesome and B.) I don't speak french so I really have no idea what they are saying. So that makes it okay to listen to it approx. 1,000 times a day. Though I'm not sure if that's possible. It could be though.  

Okay baiiiii (ew) bye. 

xx 

blah blah blah

My mom and I decided that talking on skype would be cool. It actually is pretty cool because I get to have dinner with my family, talk to my nana, and see Rosie. That's my signature pose by the way, though not everything is two thumbs up. Let's see what else I can find for pictures before I start blabbing on about something not interesting. 

This would be me trying to talk to my dog on skype. I miss her terribly. For all of you that are going to stalk me on skype, go ahead, because I never go on. Aka weird people than randomly find me on there and send me messages saying that I seem cool even though it doesn't say anything about me on there. Hm. 

I also like goats a lot. Especially ones with beards. There was also a pig there named rosie. It was very exciting. 

I was trying to show my mom how to use the webcam, or how to take pictures of herself. She decided she needed to get facebook and that we needed to be friends. We aren't though. I thought this was a good picture, even though her eyes are a little funky and I think she was about to laugh. 

---

As for everything else, I had a pretty uneventful weekend. Unless you count taking the vomit-filled bag out of the trash can just to replace it with another bag to later be vomited in again. No one really wants to deal with things alone when they are sick, they want people to do things for them when they really don't feel like moving. So I took care of Blake while he was sick, and then I played sims3 during the hour(s) he was asleep. 

What else did I do this weekend? I cried. That's normal though. I played fallout3 even though I usually get bored. I'm level 28 on one of them and level 6 on another. I get bored of the same things. I just want to get all the damn trophies god damnit. I thought about playing Heavy Rain but then I decided I was too lazy. I thought about playing Little Big Planet too. However, I think I'm gonna trade that game in because I'm sick of it now. 

Other news? Hm. I watched a lot of anime movies. I watched Ninja Scroll and Final Fantasy (whatever number it was) and some other movie that I forget the name of. I didn't watch all of that one though. 

It was that one by the way. I had to upload the picture to remember what it was called. That movie is fantastic, and I'm totally going to watch it while Blake is at work sometime. The detail in that movie is amazing! Yadda Yadda. I still love Totoro though, and Ponyo. Those movies are great. I like Princess Mononoke too. Listen to me, I sound like an anime nerd. It's okay though, anime is pretty awesome. I want anime hair. 

Umm. 

I got four things of dippers today. Apple and Carrot dippers and I ate them all. Damnit, I wish I had them now. Except I hate the skin on the apples, and I feel like the ranch dressing for the carrots is fake and that it's going to kill me or something. Hooray for crazy phobias that aren't really phobias. 

Apparently I feel like typing up a storm today. Probably because I haven't written in a while. 

Going from smoking Newports to smoking Pall Mall's is like.. the biggest letdown. First of all, yeah yeah, I know they last longer and everything, but thats the problem. It's too damn cold outside to smoke one and it's super hard to inhale. It's like trying to suck an oreo up a straw or something rediculous. It's even worse when they are 100's, and yes that's what they are. I still appreciate the person who bought them for me. It's the thought that counts. Granted, I shouldn't be smoking. Ugh. I told myself I never would and here I am. 

End story here. 

xx

fuck your face.

This is what is going on for me on Friday. Going to be totally awesome. If anyone in the Berkshires views this, go to it. It's going to be sweet. 
----Other than that. I'm going to Blake's for the weekend. He's picking me up after class today, so that should be good. I'll get to play Heavy Rain and Fallout. Sweet! I'm pumped. Class isn't until 1230, so I might as well get all my sheiiit together before then. Perhaps I'll go get something to eat for lunch as well. Who knows. 


I had a lot more to talk about in this, but ya know, it's just not worth it sometimes. "Let's view her blog so that we can laugh at what she has to say," maybe that's what you are going to say. Some people won't ever change, and I guess I needed a second change to find that out. 


The temperature thing on my computer has said that it is 36 degrees out, but it also said that last night and it totally was not. Perhaps it will be right today. The sun is out, and maybe some of that ice outside my window will melt. I guess we are supposed to get more snow on saturday, so it won't last for long. Actually, it might be on friday. I don't know, I won't be here. 


I'm still a grump.


xx

repetition. repetition.

There's a spell check on this motherfuck? How lovely. 

Hooray for changing the color of my lettahs. I'm listening to Paramore, on repeat. I'm a super grump right now. I hate facebook, I hate how everyone relies on it, talks about it, uses it for their super important connection. I hate how its filled with drama. I'd like to punch a whole lot of faces through the computer screen. That would be nice. I wouldn't make it anonymous though. It would be like a poke. Instead it would be "you've been punched by ashley mason." aha!

I like pictures a lot. Can't you tell? I also like to sleep without dreaming, but that never happens. I'm bored of this post. I'm too grumpy for posting.

xx

i have to pee.

Maybe it's just me, but sometimes I hate having to get up to pee. I wish that I could just pee where I'm sitting, but trying to pee in your pants is very hard. Also, I don't want my seat to be wet and I don't want to smell of urine. I'm just crazy.

I just went to most of the Jazz and Funk Festival, and it was pretty awesome. Papa Grows Funk is rad, listen to them if you have the chance. If you don't have the chance, make time. It's totally worth it. 

Other than that. I now get to wait like...3.5 hours until Blake comes and gets me. I feel bad, I wish I had a car so that I could just drive there. It would be lots easier, and I could sing in the car without feeling weird. Where's Elsa when I need her? Oh yeah, in England. 

Hm. There's nothing to do. I just listened to Immortal and now I'm listening to Gorgoroth. Blake would be proud. I want to find that Burzum song but I forget what It's called. Immortal is playing in New York soon, that'd be cool to go. Not that I know any of their songs, but the experience would be sweet. Okay I know I know, picturesss.

 I used to have red hair, and I miss it.

ray vincent photography. 

i like blood.

xx

today, i need to stay awake. if blake is going to come and get me after work I need to be awake until then. It will probably be at like 1, and you'd think a 22 year old could stay up that late (or early) but not for me. If I don't take them pills before a certain time, I start to lose my mind much worse than I've already lost it. Perhaps I'm addicted to them, but as far as I know, they make me feel better than I usually feel so I'll stick with them. On the other hand, if I do take them, I will fall asleep. Then if he came and picked me up I wouldn't even know because I wouldnt hear his call or text because there's no service down here. 


Other than that. The Jazz and Funk Festival is tonight at school, and I wouldn't go normally but I have to for a class. It sucks because I don't even have to be here on Friday. "But you can go and have a good time and hang out with people," anyone else would say. Yeah, but you see, I don't care about these people. I don't know these people. I don't want to know these people. I'm not a negative person, but am I going to be "friends at school" and then leave and never see them again? Yeah. It sounds a lot like home. I like to not think about that though, because whenever I do, it just pisses me off. Try to explain that to someone who feels like they did nothing wrong, it's impossible. 

I kinda want to put the two beds together and call it a day, but then what will I do with my desk? Hm. Maybe I'll do that today. Maybe I won't. Fuck if I know. I'm contemplating drinking the Red Bull in my fridge that I've had for quite a long time now. I'm also tired as fuck and have to go to Venable at 5 and then again at 7-10. Lame. I also don't want to do anything. I also want to disappear.

phuck yew.

who seriously doesn't like big font?! not me. i like pictures though, and i like posting pictures in this blog because it's fun. 
it's also 9 god damn degrees out but i guess i can't expect much more from new england. also, i hate you guys. 

this is rosie, you will see her a lot because i love her to bits. she is my lifeline thank you very much.

 I like to post pictures of times when I remember being happy. I love this picture.

 Everyone decided that green was the cool color to put in your hair, but I got the poop green color and it ended up looking like seaweed and I hated it. I dyed my hair a different color in less than a week.

People on rawks and stuff. 


                                           I just helped set up for the Jazz and Funk Festival, which was pretty awesome. It was really cool being able to set up the sound for a show, it pumped me up. I think I was the only one actually enjoying it, but that's cool with me. Now back to listening to

Amesoeurs

because i've been listening to the same song for a while now and i am completely okay with that. 

 

xx 

Humeurs instables inavouées, Faiblesse des sens et frustration Etouffant la conscience. Je m'écoeure.

Amesoeurs = great band.

i feel like typing large right now. 

                     I wrote to Equal Vision for an internship and they said they could probably do that. It will most likely happen in the fall or in the summer depending on how things go. Hopefully I can get a job in New York and never have to return home. That would be lovely. There's nothing there for me anymore, except Rosie. I would just have to bring her with me. 

                                     Anyone and everyone should listen to that band, granted unless you speak french you probably won't know what they are saying but it's okay because I don't either. 

 

Oh yeah, did I mention I really don't want anything to do with any of you anymore? It's hard to feel like someone gives a shit about you when they can't even make time to see you. When they constantly lie to your face and then try and say it never happened when they were with you. I just turn my back on all of it because it doesn't matter anymore. I don't regret any of the times I had with you, because they were wonderful. Now, I just have to move on with my life, because nothing lasts forever, and people won't always be there for you. 

xx

 

p.s my photoshoot pics came back but i'm not posting them because they are NSFW lawl.

i guess there's more to this, because I like pictures & I want more pictures in this. 

 i like clouds, a lot. 
 

 I like my pink hair, and i smoked then. shit. i still smoke. 

my best friend. the only person i have ever learned to trust. the only person who will stay by my side through everything. i love you.

                         those were the days

things that i like.

At the moment, I'm super bored and waiting for Blake to come get me, which is in a while. So why not write about things? This blog will be filled with pictures and stuff, and things you should do. Maybe. 

I like: 

Not the diet kind though, blech. 

Fountain soda coke. It is the only reason I ever went to dinner at school. I would choose fountain soda coke over ANY beverage any day. Well, I really like milk too. Hm.

Freshly folded towels. Not that the colors of those towels aren't lovely, but I just really like the fact that they are freshly folded. I was always a fan (and still am) of folding the towels at work. Yes, I am a housekeeper, chambermaid. I clean up after you. 

Hugely for gay marriage. I love going to Pride in Boston. I love people that feel comfortable with themselves and aren't afraid to show what they are all about. 

Huge fan of suspension, though I've never actually done it. I plan on doing it soon though! I had other pictures to upload but apparently they are too cool to show up. FINE THEN. 


well that took up a whole.. i dont know like 10 minutes. I only have one cigarette left too. Hm. 


xx

At first when I see you cry, it makes me smile

It's 1056 AM, and I was hoping it would be a snow day but alas it's not. I'm out of my mind right now because I haven't taken my meds. I guess that's what happens. I have a load of emotions filling up my brain because I'm super pissed off. I wish I knew where my Joan Jett t-shirt was. Maybe I'll look for it, I kinda want to wear it. 

I have classes today. Aka first I have GYM. Who the fuck has gym in college. It's so lame, but I have to take two Gym classes to graduate (aka this summer). So I guess it has to be done. After that I have Economics of Culture and Tourism (aka the most boring class in the world) and lastly I have Performing Arts Management. That's a class I can stand, along with Museum Studies. At the same time I really don't want to go to class. I don't want to go anywhere. I sorta just want to fall off the face of the earth so I don't have to see anyone anymore. That's just not humanly possible though. How lame. 

Instead I will listen to Brand New and try not to sneeze. I sneezed anyways. I want to live in a Post-Apocalyptic World.